suicide attempt #8293482

failed. a few days barely alive on my mothers bed, a visit to the hospital, waking up covered in my own vomit.
i've been here before. more times than i can even count at this point. kyle once told me that if i'm failing at failing i'm actually winning. so it goes. i win this round.

"I am alive. I promise I'm a well intentioned explosion."

i don't know why i want to die so bad. well, i suppose i do. the stagnancy of my being. the listlessness. the heavy heart, the weight of it all. i don't much recall the last time i was really "okay" mentally, but it was long ago. sure, i find things to distract me for short periods and go on these manic highs, but they inevitability are always followed by the lowest of lows.

and then i dwell. i stay in the past and ache over people who are no longer there or who are not around. i ache over my old life, i ache because i feel as though i've ruined any chance at changing this and moving forward.

but i must move forward. i'm trying. i want to live. well, i want to want to live. i don't want to hurt anyone. i can do this, right? i see other people do it. go about their business. wake up, shower, eat, go to work, come home, repeat. they keep movingmovingmoving. it's not the end of the world for them. perhaps i can learn how to function myself, in my own strange way. i think i'd like to. i think i'd really like to be okay.

i'm doing some very intensive outpatient programs. therapy, psychiatry, drug/alcohol classes, so on and so forth. my case worker came to see me this morning. my goal for today is to take a shower. she said that is a fine goal. i suppose it's going to take baby steps to crawl out of this pit i've been digging myself deeper and deeper into for years. but i think i can do it. for now i have coffee and cigarettes and the beauty that is cloud cult bursting from my speakers. i must relax and not overwhelm myself with all the prospects of a better life, as when i do that i tend to fall back down to the bottom of the pit. take it slow. take it easy. i'm going to do this. i'm going to get better, i swear. i hope. i swear it.



We've been searching for our whole lives.
And we have traveled through unexplainable stories.
Swear to God I fought the good fight,
always waiting for the coming of morning.
And I heard the Captain say, I heard the Captain say,
"The more I know, the less I'm knowing."
And I heard the Captain say, I heard the Captain say,
"Activate your force-fields and just keep going..."