day two

"write about your best friend"
i have been dreading and avoiding this entry for one simple reason - the dynamics of a best friend have changed dramatically since the days of highschool and giggly sleepovers talking about boys and prank calls and playing truth or dare and silly things. i don't remember when i first came to this realization, but i do remember how depressed it made me. i suppose it has something to do with this "peter pan" complex i have. i was always in such a hurry to get older that i grew up too fast and never took the time to appreciate such simple things.

but the cold, hard truth is those days are now behind me. i'm an adult. you grow up and those best friends you thought you'd have forever have new best friends. they go on with their lives. i suppose in the long run, your best friend becomes your significant other, your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. and maybe you still have a "best friend" but it's not the same - and it never will be.

i suppose i'm coming to terms with this, along with many other things as i try to learn to grow and let go and move forward. i'm okay with this. i do have people in my life that i love dearly, that i'm there for if they need me and they would be there for me in-turn, but i often refer to them as "my favorites" these days. it's different now, you know? these people aren't necessarily people who are even around, and i don't have to talk to them every day. we don't have to spend hours on the phone each night. we just know we love each other. and i think i'm okay with that. those days are behind me and it's time for me to grow up. i'm trying to find comfort in being alone, as well as comfort in company. i suppose i'm trying to find comfort in general. and this is something i have to do on my own - i don't need someone holding my hand throughout the process of finding myself again. not to say it wouldn't be nice, but i think it might hinder the process.

so let's look up the true definition of a best friend :

noun 1. best friend - the one friend who is closest to you
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust

well, that seems awful simple, doesn't it? perhaps i'm over-analyzing things (as i often do)

i think the truth in the matter is, most of those people are gone in my life. i've burned enough bridges to trap a whole town. i've pushed most everyone away by now, i've gotten drunk and spouted terrible things at all those people. they're gone. and maybe we're on "okay terms" or maybe we're not, but once the damage is done things are never quite the same again and i just have to move on from this. forgive them and most importantly, forgive myself. 

i suppose you could say kyle is my best friend, but these days i feel as i am more of a project to him than anything else. he's stuck around, that's for sure, but like i said earlier, once the damage is done things are never quite the same. he's here because the time he's invested in me. 

i talk more to leslie these days than anyone else, i suppose, and it's over the internet. i trust and love her, we try to keep each other positive and balanced and okay and alive. feed off each others good. but does that make her my best friend? i have no idea.

i often say my cats are my best friends, and while they are wonderful companions who i certainly love and care for, i suppose that's a bit absurd. i suppose maybe i don't have a best friend. i suppose i'll probably never have a best friend again in the way i've longed to in the passing years, but you know what? that's okay. i have love. i hope to find more love and new friends as i feel better mentally and such (which is a huge step up from my pushing everyone away and wanting no one around in fear they'll eventually leave) and i don't need silly labels like this anymore. i don't need to call someone "bestie" and if i've learned anything in life, you can really only rely on yourself and i'm not going to lie to myself and pretend otherwise. i'm not 14 anymore. 

to love and to be loved, let's just hope that is enough ( :


(i really do believe it is)