day two

"write about your best friend"
i have been dreading and avoiding this entry for one simple reason - the dynamics of a best friend have changed dramatically since the days of highschool and giggly sleepovers talking about boys and prank calls and playing truth or dare and silly things. i don't remember when i first came to this realization, but i do remember how depressed it made me. i suppose it has something to do with this "peter pan" complex i have. i was always in such a hurry to get older that i grew up too fast and never took the time to appreciate such simple things.

but the cold, hard truth is those days are now behind me. i'm an adult. you grow up and those best friends you thought you'd have forever have new best friends. they go on with their lives. i suppose in the long run, your best friend becomes your significant other, your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever. and maybe you still have a "best friend" but it's not the same - and it never will be.

i suppose i'm coming to terms with this, along with many other things as i try to learn to grow and let go and move forward. i'm okay with this. i do have people in my life that i love dearly, that i'm there for if they need me and they would be there for me in-turn, but i often refer to them as "my favorites" these days. it's different now, you know? these people aren't necessarily people who are even around, and i don't have to talk to them every day. we don't have to spend hours on the phone each night. we just know we love each other. and i think i'm okay with that. those days are behind me and it's time for me to grow up. i'm trying to find comfort in being alone, as well as comfort in company. i suppose i'm trying to find comfort in general. and this is something i have to do on my own - i don't need someone holding my hand throughout the process of finding myself again. not to say it wouldn't be nice, but i think it might hinder the process.

so let's look up the true definition of a best friend :

noun 1. best friend - the one friend who is closest to you
a person you know well and regard with affection and trust

well, that seems awful simple, doesn't it? perhaps i'm over-analyzing things (as i often do)

i think the truth in the matter is, most of those people are gone in my life. i've burned enough bridges to trap a whole town. i've pushed most everyone away by now, i've gotten drunk and spouted terrible things at all those people. they're gone. and maybe we're on "okay terms" or maybe we're not, but once the damage is done things are never quite the same again and i just have to move on from this. forgive them and most importantly, forgive myself. 

i suppose you could say kyle is my best friend, but these days i feel as i am more of a project to him than anything else. he's stuck around, that's for sure, but like i said earlier, once the damage is done things are never quite the same. he's here because the time he's invested in me. 

i talk more to leslie these days than anyone else, i suppose, and it's over the internet. i trust and love her, we try to keep each other positive and balanced and okay and alive. feed off each others good. but does that make her my best friend? i have no idea.

i often say my cats are my best friends, and while they are wonderful companions who i certainly love and care for, i suppose that's a bit absurd. i suppose maybe i don't have a best friend. i suppose i'll probably never have a best friend again in the way i've longed to in the passing years, but you know what? that's okay. i have love. i hope to find more love and new friends as i feel better mentally and such (which is a huge step up from my pushing everyone away and wanting no one around in fear they'll eventually leave) and i don't need silly labels like this anymore. i don't need to call someone "bestie" and if i've learned anything in life, you can really only rely on yourself and i'm not going to lie to myself and pretend otherwise. i'm not 14 anymore. 

to love and to be loved, let's just hope that is enough ( :


(i really do believe it is)

suicide attempt #8293482

failed. a few days barely alive on my mothers bed, a visit to the hospital, waking up covered in my own vomit.
i've been here before. more times than i can even count at this point. kyle once told me that if i'm failing at failing i'm actually winning. so it goes. i win this round.

"I am alive. I promise I'm a well intentioned explosion."

i don't know why i want to die so bad. well, i suppose i do. the stagnancy of my being. the listlessness. the heavy heart, the weight of it all. i don't much recall the last time i was really "okay" mentally, but it was long ago. sure, i find things to distract me for short periods and go on these manic highs, but they inevitability are always followed by the lowest of lows.

and then i dwell. i stay in the past and ache over people who are no longer there or who are not around. i ache over my old life, i ache because i feel as though i've ruined any chance at changing this and moving forward.

but i must move forward. i'm trying. i want to live. well, i want to want to live. i don't want to hurt anyone. i can do this, right? i see other people do it. go about their business. wake up, shower, eat, go to work, come home, repeat. they keep movingmovingmoving. it's not the end of the world for them. perhaps i can learn how to function myself, in my own strange way. i think i'd like to. i think i'd really like to be okay.

i'm doing some very intensive outpatient programs. therapy, psychiatry, drug/alcohol classes, so on and so forth. my case worker came to see me this morning. my goal for today is to take a shower. she said that is a fine goal. i suppose it's going to take baby steps to crawl out of this pit i've been digging myself deeper and deeper into for years. but i think i can do it. for now i have coffee and cigarettes and the beauty that is cloud cult bursting from my speakers. i must relax and not overwhelm myself with all the prospects of a better life, as when i do that i tend to fall back down to the bottom of the pit. take it slow. take it easy. i'm going to do this. i'm going to get better, i swear. i hope. i swear it.



We've been searching for our whole lives.
And we have traveled through unexplainable stories.
Swear to God I fought the good fight,
always waiting for the coming of morning.
And I heard the Captain say, I heard the Captain say,
"The more I know, the less I'm knowing."
And I heard the Captain say, I heard the Captain say,
"Activate your force-fields and just keep going..."

day one

write about myself? this seems awful incriminating. i suppose having a blog in general is incriminating.


i drink too much coffee and i really like bathrobes. i’d like to get one for each day of the week, silly ones and pretty ones and wear them depending on my mood. i am also quite fond of hats. i like cats a lot. that’s a huge understatement. i’m codependent on my cats. okay, so i’m a little crazy. at least that’s what pill-pushing doctors tell me, but i really. i am. batshit. total mad woman. anxietyridden-manicdepression-bipolar/winning-ptsd fucked in the head. you can just call me sylvia plath. i don’t like people much, in general. i do love people as a whole though. i have a heart so large it weighs me to the ground for the people i do love. i love music. i love to sing but i am not a singer. i want to relearn the guitar. i want to know more on the piano. i want a tambourine and a mandolin and a banjo and i want to know how to play them all. i’d also like to take up knitting or crocheting. i need a job. my last job consisted of stripping from 2008 until may 2011, i guess. i’m residing with my mother and i will not be for much longer. i have lots of goals. i was a heroin addict for a long time and pretty much pawned my life away along with most of my other belongings. i’m trying to get it back though. i just want to be okay. i want everyone to be okay. i can’t wait to move. i want to travel. i’m quite fond of adventures. i love art. i make art. i want to be an elementary school art teacher one day. i really love kids. more than that i’d like to be a mother. they need to make a cure for baby-fever. i refuse to call myself a vegan or vegetarian but i don’t eat meat and i don’t drink cow-milk. i just want to be healthy. i suffered from an eating disorder for about half of my existence and randomly got over it when i found out marilyn monroe was a size 14. this was a month or so ago. i think i might be lying to myself about that though. i do that a lot. i distort my own reality for my own benefit. i like to drink. a lot. but i need to not drink. i’m sure i’ll end up discussing more about that in the future. i wear my socks inside out because i hate the way the wrinkles feel. i am in love with a beautiful boy and that leaves me absolutely terrified. i’m a mess. and a messy person. i really hate these things. i’m not even sure i know myself so how could i possibly spell it all out for you in words and phrases? i’m ever-changing, just like my hair. what do you want to know? and why? my favorite color is green. do you know me now? i need a cigarette.

thirty day challenge

this being a new blog and all i figured this would be an appropriate way to start it. i used xanga for years and had planned to do this on there, but that was the day before zac hung himself, the last time i posted anything in it. i’d prefer leaving it as it is, starting with him and ending with him. so, alas, xanga is a closed chapter in my life and that is why i am now here. hopefully this one wont sound so much like a whiny teenager.

day 1) write about yourself
day 2) write about your best friend
day 3) write about your crush
day 4) write about your parents
day 5) write about your dreams
day 6) write about your ex-boyfriend/love/crush
day 7) write about someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 8) write about a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 9) write about the person you hate most/caused you alot of pain
day 10) write a about someone you wish could forgive you
day 11) write about someone you have drifted away from
day 12) write about the person you miss the most
day 13) write about the person that you wish you could be
day 14) write about someone that pesters your mind- good or bad
day 15) write about the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 16) write about someone you want to give a second chance to
day 17) write about the last person you kissed
day 18) write about the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 19) write about the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 20) write about the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 21) write about someone that changed your life
day 22) write about your reflection in the mirror
day 23) write a letter to a friend
day 24) write about something you want to accomplish
day 25) write a list of things that make you happy
day 26) write about where you wish you were right now, and why
day 27) write about something you believe in
day 28) write about anything that you feel like you need to say
day 29) write about the best thing that happened to you today
day 30) write a “thank you” note to someone you appreciate

the warm sun was melting away my skin as i laid on what was once your porch in a town i swore i'd never return to again, and we all swore none of this was real
a pill here and another and again, drunk in the sun
"i'll follow him into the dark" she screamed and cried, twisting and turning in the grass
hearts strangled by the rope you killed us with

"what kind of bird would you be?" i asked your son, i believe he said a blue bird because he liked the color blue but all i could focus was on how he reminded me of you
"unless dinosaurs count" of coarse they do, kid

i had once asked you the same
"a cardinal" you said something about how they seemed as though they had cool hair
strange, since you always felt better in hats, but i'm pretty sure you said you didn't want to be a god damn bird anyways.

"will be dead soon" magnetic poetry on the fridge, a shot of whiskey "please pray" to the gods i was certain you didn't believe in. the image haunts me just like you. i still try to pretend none of this is real but you're rotting in the ground while you left everyone here to rot like the living dead.